This all started back in March of 2012 when Jared and I decided we wanted to start a family. Three weeks later we found out I was pregnant. 9 1/2-10 weeks into the pregnancy, we lost the baby. If you haven't read that story, you can find it by clicking here. Honestly, since May 10, 2012, my life has drastically changed. Never did I think I would have the emotions and feelings that I've had and never did I imagine that my relationship with the Lord could grow SO much.
After the miscarriage in May, I had problems with my hcg levels returning to normal. That's a whole other story in itself, but in August we were cleared to start trying again. August, September, October, November, December all passed with big fat negatives. Now January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November have all passed with the same fate. I've had numerous tests and procedures run, all coming back perfectly clear and normal. That in itself is a praise. A frustrating one, but a praise none the less. Jared's testing came back perfectly normal as well. Our doctor told us that he didn't know what was wrong, scientifically it didn't make sense, and referred us to a fertility doctor. We haven't been yet. I don't really know what to do, other than pray about moving forward.
We've been patiently and sometimes not so patiently waiting with each passing month to see if the desire of our hearts will be filled, but that's when it started to click that maybe my desire is all wrong. Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord; And He will give you the desires of your heart." Yes, He wants to give me the desires of my heart, but it comes from a place of delighting in Him simply because He's Lord and He's good. He is so good. He has so much mercy on me and covers me in grace. He's revealed time and time again why the timing wasn't right with the first baby. But still, my selfish arms long to hold my baby.
I'm writing this as a piece of my continuously growing testimony. My heart HAS changed in the last 6 months or so and instead of praying FOR a baby, I find myself praying for God to use me in whichever way He wants. Help me be okay with who I am and what He's given me. Help me give Him glory through every tear cried. Don't let my pain and longing for a child consume me and shape me into someone I'm not. Make me a parent in the way that gives You the most glory. Mold me into the woman You want me to be; one that rejoices in the calm and the storm.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 has been on my heart so much lately. It reads, "And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness" Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore, I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."
What a powerful scripture. And like I said, it's REALLY been on my heart for about 2-3 weeks now. I mean heavily on my heart. Today I came home, got the mail like always, and we had a letter from a man my husband is good friends with. He had handwritten us a letter to let us know the Spirit had placed us on his heart and he was praying for us continually through all of our fertility struggles. In it, he gave us each scriptures to meditate on that he felt like God was leading him to give us. Want to guess what the first one was? Yep, 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. That's when I knew I had to write this.
I have to boast in my weaknesses so God can get Glory! Isn't that amazing? This same man, having no idea I was about to have an HSG procedure done in October, literally texted Jared the moment we walked into the hospital just to tell him that we were heavy on his heart and he was praying over us at that very moment. Goosebumps. Incredible, divine presence and intervention.
If there are any of you out there reading my blog who are going through the same struggles I am right now, please know I am praying for you and please message me if you ever need someone to talk to. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my back in sharing my struggles and weaknesses with you. I know that no matter what, God's plan is way better than mine. I believe it and I trust it. We always tend to cling to Psalm 37:4, but 5 is what really gets me..."Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, and He will do it." God has a reason for allowing things to happen. We may never understand His wisdom, but we simply have to trust His will. Sometimes God doesn't change our situations because He's trying to change our hearts.